I have debated for months whether I would share this part of my life with the world or not. Although I am confident that my testimony will empower someone in this world, I am terrified of exposing myself in a way I never imagined I would have to. I write this from a place of sincere peace and hope that after reading this you will either understand me better as well as not feel alone.
I woke up casually on July 8th after a night of binge-watching Good Girls. I noticed it had been about a few days since my expected monthly friend was supposed to show up. I decided what the heck may as well take a pregnancy test and see what happens. I wasn’t expecting a positive test honestly. About 3.5 minutes later I saw two pink lines and I flipped with excitement. I quickly rushed to Target to get a digital test to just reconfirm as well as pick up some onesies to surprise my husband when he got home of our new bundle of joy coming soon. That day was one of the best days of our lives. We quickly began planning the next 8 months of our lives and budgeting for our new broke friend. We quietly went about our week without telling anyone (well so I thought lol). By Saturday the 13th the life inside of me began slowly slipping away and I didn’t even know it. I was attending a praise dance and mime conference when I noticed I was starting to have cramps that felt like shooting sharp pain. I became immediately worried and told my husband we need to go home. As much as I hated to leave the conference I knew in my gut something was wrong, but I still remain hopeful.
I woke up that Sunday preparing to go minister through dance despite the pain I was in. Before leaving the house I went to use the restroom only to see what I had been dreading. I immediately cried out to God pleading for the life inside of me to be okay. Somehow, I still knew in my heart that my few short days of happiness were over. I continued through my day hopeful still. By Wednesday, July 17th I woke up rushing to the restroom and I didn’t know at the time, but I know now that what I saw was my embryo appearing to be nothing more than a glob. My heart sank. I immediately called my doctor and told them I’m coming in because I can’t wait until my appointment. Crazily, I drove 35 minutes across town without telling anyone that I was heading to the hospital. Somehow the strength of God was the only thing keeping me from breaking down. I vividly remember that drive and every song that came on as I drove those 35 minutes wondering and remaining hopeful. Once the nurse practitioner completed the transvaginal ultrasound she sympathetically said, “ I’m sorry, but there is nothing there. You seemed to have had a complete miscarriage.” I felt myself dying inside, but I held my tears back. I just kept telling myself I needed to make it to my car. Once I left the doctor’s office I got onto the elevator and there I was greeted with two pregnant bellies, a newborn, and two toddlers. WHY GOD!!!!! I felt myself breaking even more inside. Once I made it to my car I broke down crying and screaming. I’m not sure if people saw me and honestly I didn’t care, because I lost my child. No matter how early I was in my pregnancy that child mattered to me. I’m not sure how I made it home, but I know once I made it home I crawled in bed and shut out the world. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to eat, but God would not let me sink into the depression that this miscarriage was meant to drag me into. I crawled to the word of God weak and weary and I found peace in the story of David losing his son (2 Samuel 12:1-23). Instead of going into a depression, David worshipped. That inspired me, so that is what I did.
Two weeks later I made the spontaneous decision to attend the Pinky Promise Conference in Miami. I wanted to get away from Houston with hopes that I could get some time with God for a few days and come back feeling renewed. I can say that the conference was exactly what I needed to pour out and receive the revelation I needed to keep pushing. God spoke into me every day and used me to empower women I didn’t even know. During that trip, I had the most vivid dream of a chocolate baby boy with curly hair smiling at me. I woke up thankful that God either gave me closure or showed me, my future child. I thank God for the experience that weekend because it took my mind off the pain I was enduring. I gained renewed strength to keep fighting once I got back home.
Weeks passed by and I felt my normal self returning until one day during a long day of training at work. There were literally pregnant women everywhere. I went to my car at lunch that day and cried. I didn’t understand why God would put me in a place that would be an everyday reminder that I lost my baby. Thankfully, I had people I could count on for prayer, but honestly, I felt so alone during that time. My husband was hurting and I couldn’t even help him like I wanted to because I was strong some days and weak other days. My inconsistency in strength made me feel inadequate to be the support he needed. I was still having days when I would remember I should be ____ amount weeks pregnant. I had days when my period would come on and I would just cry because it was yet ANOTHER reminder of the experience I went through previously. However, prayer is the one thing that got me through the months of hurt and pain I went through. It was through prayer that I fought the negative thoughts that I wasn’t good enough to be a mother. It was through prayer that I also learned to give God control and surrender my timing of becoming a mother because I knew His timing was best.
About three months after experiencing the most devastating loss of my life God blessed my womb again to conceive. I can admit I was scared to do anything the entire first trimester because I didn’t want to lose another child. Writing this at 17 weeks I still have fears throughout the day. God gave me peace to know I would birth my baby July 10, 2020 (Full circle! God is good).
I knew that me experiencing this miscarriage as a completely healthy 25 years old was suppose to birth purpose. I prayed daily for God to reveal to me how He wanted me to use this experience to advance His kingdom forward. God gave me a dream of women praying together and worshipping. I wrote the dream down and the revelation came to start a prayer circle of women. I quickly pulled together about 10 women to come to my house to pray and worship together. It was powerful and much needed for every woman in that room. It was September 2, 2019, that God birthed something new out of me. God used my pain to produce purpose and although I would love to be giving birth to my angel baby soon, God had bigger plans in store.
I am grateful that God trusted me enough to endure this process, and He knew that like Job I was a good and faithful servant and I wouldn’t let this experience stop me from believing. I still have days when I get sad although I am carrying life. People often ask me is this your first child and I feel torn between saying “no” and “yes”. I will always count my angel baby as my first child although we never got a chance to meet. I know that God still used that precious life to push me into destiny.
I know this was a long read and if you made it this far I believe God has moved in your heart in whatever way you needed. Just remember that God is always in control and that we don’t have to understand His why we just need to ensure we are putting ourselves in a place of surrendering to abide by His good and perfect plan. So before I end this post I want to say a quick pray for your mind and heart.
We love you so much. You are so wonderful. You have given us more than we deserve in this life, and for that, we say thank you. Father, now I lift up every person reading this and I ask that you meet every one of their needs according to your will. I ask that you heal the heart that is hurting and can’t find the strength to look forward to the next minute, hour or day. I speak peace into their heart and mind. I ask that you help us all remember to do as David did and that is to worship in the face of pain. Help us to remember that ALL things work together for the good of those who love you and are a part of you. Lord, create in all of us a new and clean heart that isn’t tainted with hurt, but that is painted with joy and expectancy for the things to come. Though we don’t understand why you do the things you do, Lord we trust that your plan is best for us, so we rest in knowing that you have our best interest in mind always. We give you all the praise and glory for the things to come and things that have already passed.
In Jesus Name We Pray,
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Next Week: How To Overcome The Pain of A Miscarriage